The Closet as Metaphor is a study in how we process giving up our attachments to objects.
In Lesson VIII, I indicated that a certain amount of visual minimalism in our living space is necessary to bring about a sense of serenity. I have always recommended that, rather than ridding ourselves of treasured possessions to achieve this minimalism, we rotate their presentation, storing the balance in a closet (or other storage facility.)
Many people react negatively to this statement, however, noting that their closets are “bursting at the seams” and need to be cleaned out. This is true in all homes but it is especially true of the small spaces.
There are two ways to clean out a closet.
- The first is to rummage through the contents and remove all of the items we no longer desire.
- The second is to empty the closet completely and refill it with everything we are sure we want.
People who use the first method typically reduce the closet’s contents by about 10%. Those who employ the second method reduce them by close to 30-40%.
The Percentages Tell Our Story
Why the discrepancy? The difference of 10% discarded by the first method and 30-40% by the second are the objects we don’t really want but can’t give up. Some of the most common reasons are:
“My first boyfriend presented this to me on our first date.”
“This was handed down to me by my parents. How can I get rid of what they saved all their lives?”
“This will fit me again if I lose 20 pounds.”
“As soon as I throw it out, it will come back in style.”
“These might be collectibles. I’ll save them till Antiques Roadshow comes to town.”
“Maybe someday I’ll want to return to my former career. I’d better save my old materials and equipment.”
“This is broken. I could fix it if I could just figure out how to do it.”
“I’ve never liked this, but I can’t afford a better one.”
“This project has gone unfinished for three years. Yet, if I throw it out now, all the work I put into it will have gone to waste.”
“Yes, this book is outdated and everything in it can be found on the web, but I was taught to never throw away a book.”
“This isn’t my style, but it is far too valuable to discard.”
Living in the Present
Notice how many of these explanations pertain to the past or the future. Though an item is not wanted at present, we can remember having wanted it in the past, or imagine wanting it again after it is gone.
Guilt is another common theme connected to the past and future. We might believe that one ought to value a thing because:
- Someone else once valued it.
- Someone else might value it.
- It cost a lot of money.
- Whatever project one started ought to be finished.
- Anything broken ought to be repaired ……and so forth.
When we hang on to an object that has outlived its desirability or usefulness, we are hanging on to a belief that has outlived its relevance.
Our idea of who we should be, how we should feel and what we should want is misaligned with who we actually are at the present moment. Outward clutter becomes the mirror for inner clutter.
The Metaphorical Closet
That the closet is a metaphor for the soul is both good and bad news. By divesting ourselves of unwanted items, we can free up a lot of energy for what we desire in the present. In the process, we can let go of guilt, irrational fear and wistful clinging to the past. Yet that is precisely why it is so hard to do! Throwing out relics of times gone by—whether it be our grandmother’s wedding China or the need-to-be fixed electronic device that seemed so state-of-the-art just a year ago—brings us face to face with what we have already lost, an irreplaceable loved one or perhaps just last season’s whim. No matter. When we no longer want the relic, the loss has already occurred.
Our Possessions and Emotions
Most of us know the five stages of grief Elisabeth Kubler-Ross set forth in her research on dying: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance.
These five stages of grief we experience not only happen when confronting literal death but everyday in the most trivial of daily disappointments.
The burnt meatloaf
The caller who hung up just as we reached the phone
A book of misplaced stamps
The sock that disappeared in the dryer
The friend who forgot to save us a seat at the lunch table
The last piece of pie that someone else ate
The lack of expected “likes,” comments and responses on our Facebook site…
If only for a nanosecond, most of these small losses bring on the five stages of grief.
In Necessary Losses, Judith Viorst states that personal growth can only take place after we face our losses. She notes these are not just related to the past but to future expectations as well. Such losses are “our conscious and unconscious losses of romantic dreams, impossible expectations, illusions of freedom and power, illusions of safety and the loss of our younger self, the self that thought it always would be unwrinkled and invulnerable and immortal.”
Objects and Grief
When we hesitate to throw our skinny jeans on the giveaway pile, we are, in all seriousness, wrestling with our own mortality.
We may have to work through:
- Denial (“If I hold my breath, I can still zip them”),
- Anger (“Baby weight is so unfair”),
- Bargaining (“I’ll go back on Weight Watchers next week”)
- Depression (“It’s hopeless. I’ll never lose the weight”).
All these happen before we are ready to donate our former self-image to the Salvation Army, which is not to say that we will not ever fit into our former size again. We very well might.
But do we really need to be reproached by the sight of our skinny jeans every time we open the closet? Discarding clothes, we no longer wear, whatever the reason, is about relinquishing some former idea of ourselves. And we are coming to accept who we are at this moment. If we later shed some pounds, we can always celebrate with a new pair of skinny jeans!
Grief can be especially potent when dealing with the belongings of a departed loved one. We want to feel a sentimental attachment to their stuff. Whether we actually feel that way or not, parting with it somehow finalizes our loss. The best way to address this issue is to retain just a few favorite items and display them with reverence.
Scarcity
Scarcity mentality is another common stumbling block. Having such barriers is particularly true for people who grew up during the Great Depression, their children or the next generations that carry that internal code. Such largely unconscious fears lead people to treat items of little or no value as if they were irreplaceable.
- We fear that we will need to return an appliance to its manufacturer as soon as we have discarded the box it came in. So we save the box and continue to save the box.
- We might imagine that we will have some urgent need for paint thinner as soon as we throw away the half-empty can gathering dust for the past decade.
Of course, that can actually happen once in a great while. Shortly after discarding that mystery screw, we realize what it was holding together. Still, these rare incidents can become the rationale for hanging onto hundreds of useless items. Should the need arise, obtaining a new screw or a new box or a new can of paint thinner is not going to break the bank.
While Decluttering, We Must Be Good to Ourselves
Physically cleaning out a closet does not sound all that difficult. We can probably expect to accomplish it in a couple of hours. Still, the emotional effort of working through the feelings that come up can be considerable. Out of sheer psychological exhaustion, many of us end up pushing whatever we cannot decide on to the back of the closet and call it a day. The closet is still crowded and disorganized, but we are fed up with relating to it.
Most objects that belong to the scenario of the past and future no longer serve us. If we can get through the exhaustive process of letting go, energy then comes to us by the power of the now. That is what decluttering is all about.
Some helpful suggestions:
- Remove absolutely everything from the closet. Put back into it only those items you are sure you want. Put what you are sure you do not want into a pile to be discarded or given away.
- The “undecided” pile you are left with might amount to as much as 30-40% of the closet’s contents. Do not return any of these items to the closet right away.
- Some people recommend packing everything in a box labeled “undecided” and storing it out of the way. However, such a box prolongs the decision-avoidance that led the closet to become overstuffed in the first place. Leave the pile where you will see it.
- After a couple of days, return to the pile and relate to it for a while. (It is best to do this early in the day, when you feel fresh.) You will probably find that in the interim, there has been some emotional movement. Your grief around some item has reached the stage of acceptance, and you are now ready to part with it, or you realize that throwing it away will not make you feel so guilty after all. Make any decisions that come easily. Leave the rest for another day.
- Repeat step 4 every few days. If the pile is in a room that does not clutter your living space, leave it there and continue the process. If the pile proves to be an eyesore, live with it for a week and then return the items to the closet. Try doing the whole process again in a month or two. During that time, many feelings will be resolved, and you will be surprised how much easier it will be to give up what you no longer need.
See also:
Necessary Losses by Judith Voist
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There are two parts to this website, The Lessons which are more difficult in concept and the blogs which are lighter in nature. A blog that you might enjoy which has the same theme as Lesson X is Energy Through Our Relationship with Objects, Lesson XI.
A Lesson connected to Lesson X is Energy Through Our Relationship with Objects, Lesson XI. Besides our individual interrelationships with objects, I believe that what we possess connects us to the subtle energy of other people, other cultures, and the planet itself. Material objects can be the most spiritual of commodities because they lead us to deal with the earthly lessons we are here to learn
Please note that my website allows you to leave comments at the end of the blogs but not at the end of each lesson. If you have a comment or question about a lesson, you may email me at ruta@rutas-rules.com